Given the chance, we’d all opt to delay the death of our loved ones; I’d have personally delayed my mom’s death by many decades. Unfortunately, try hard as we may, we can’t control much of that timing. Unforeseen deaths of one’s dearest and closest can be one of the most traumatizing experiences anyone can go through. However, people go through these experiences day in, day out.
Most people tend to celebrate their mom as the world’s best mother. Almost anyone asked would sing high praises of their mom. Rightfully too. If anyone asked me, they’d be met with probably the world’s most eager daughter eulogizing her highly adored mom. Learning of a loved one’s death understandably hurts deeply. Learning of my mom’s death had me lost, angry, conflicted, heartbroken, physically sick, and many more feelings than I care to express at the moment.
It’s been six and a half months since my mom’s death and I have decided to share what I have personally learned from what has turned out to be the biggest heartbreak of my life. If this article helps one or one hundred find their path(s) to healing easier like I needed after my mom’s death, it has served its purpose.
Dedicated to the loving memory of Rev. Mrs. Omolade Ogundeji
Here Are The Lessons My Mom’s Death Has Taught Me:
Mourn For As Long As You Need To:
Everyone’s process of mourning differs. Some hold themselves together at the initial stage after learning of a loved one’s passing. These kinds of people often put up a brave front because they know they have to bear the burden of making sure everything doesn’t fall apart and so that they can plan befitting ceremonies for their dearly departed.
Some others break down uncontrollably immediately and there is little to nothing that can be done to console them. Some others swing from one extreme emotion to another in disbelief. They cry uncontrollably one minute and briefly deceive themselves into disbelief the next minute.
Regardless of which of these three or any other groups one falls in, it is ok to embrace the process. Mourning a loved one’s death shouldn’t, and can’t, be rushed. One should endeavor to take their time to go through the motions of their new reality.
Flow With All Your Feelings:
As mentioned earlier, we all handle grief differently. As time goes by, the bereaved tend to experience certain moments of distractions from their pain. One should do one’s best to embrace these distractions as they offer some relief from the hurt. At other times, the bereaved might find that they can not function. They want to lie in bed with their head under the covers in a dark room with only the sound of soulful jazz gently sifting through the speakers, reminding them that they are alive.
There are many emotions that range between those pleasant moments of distractions and the heavy moments of wanting absolute solitude. Anger and confusion are two of the mid-ranging emotions I’ve personally dealt with since my mom’s death. Through letting myself feel the emotions and confronting the pain, I have found that the emotions come back in tamer waves as time goes by.
So, it would seem like swimming against one’s tide of emotions only makes the process tougher and prolongs the pain.
Be Involved In The Ceremonies:
Waking up to the reality of the passing of a loved one is brutal enough. Adding on having to plan and/or observe befitting ceremonies for the loved one after their passing is like adding salt to injury but it must be done.
Joining in the planning and execution of the dearly departed’s celebration of life can be a respectful and responsible way to say goodbye. It can feel like fulfilling a sad but necessary obligation. This process does little for the dead but is very helpful to the bereaved.
The bereaved might find solace in the tributes received from others about their dearly departed. This goes a long way in eventually easing the heartache and even creating a smile.
After my mom’s death, the tributes received played a huge role in creating conversations that led to fond memories of her being shared and comforting smiles being exchanged amongst family and friends.
Welcome All Willing & Voluntary Caretakers:
The bereaved might find that they often yearn for solitude. They might find that they can’t be bothered with the effort that goes into looking presentable or acting right around civilized company. But, this shouldn’t be a reason to ward off helpful people who have volunteered to support the bereaved. The bereaved should welcome all the help they can get at this time, bearing in mind that no sane person expects them to appear perfectly groomed or cheerful during their time of mourning.
Being surrounded by kind and helpful people at this time helps the bereaved to visibly see that they are not alone. This can help aid their overall mental well-being.
If Faith Fails, Let Logic In:
This one is especially for religious people. In cases where the dearly departed was ill for any duration of time before their passing, some of us turn to prayers in hopes of a miracle. While observing these prayers, we do our best to focus on all the good stories of miracles we have heard about, on all the times a prayer or the other seemed to have been answered in the past, on all the blessings we have experienced, etc. We focus on all these goodness in order to gain conviction in our faith and solidify it.
Learning of my mother’s death is the most depressingly agonizing information I have received. I had many questions. I still do. I wondered if God truly exists. I wondered why my most heartfelt prayer for my mom’s recovery went unanswered. I yelled angrily at “whoever’s out there”. It felt like all the faith I had been raised to build was purposeless after all. Unfortunately, I believe this feeling is not peculiar to me in moments like these.
Realize that it is okay to vent in moments of grief. What one cannot afford to do is dwell. As humans, we go through different seasons. There are times to win and there are times to lose, times to sow and times to reap, times to wake and times to sleep, solemn and euphoric times… Regardless of the season, it is in our best interest to have faith. Faith can simply be believing in everything working together for our highest good. And, why would you want to believe anything to the contrary?
Create In Their Memory:
The efforts that go into the process of creating little or big projects in the memory of the dearly departed can go a long way in comforting the bereaved. You can go in the way of creating a memory box filled with your favorite pictures of the departed or go as big as creating a functioning charity in their memory. Whatever you choose, ensuring that it is a project that would’ve been valued by the departed is important for this process to have any sense of fulfillment and validity.
After my mom’s death, I was inspired with a name for a charity. It was easy for my sisters and I to integrate this into her legacy as she has always been a charitable person.
Embrace The Rest Of Your Life:
The first heartfelt laugh after such a big loss might seem unfair, even feel like betrayal. After my mom’s death, I faked many laughs to get people to stop trying so hard to try to console me. Listening to multiple good-intentioned loved ones (understandably) struggle with finding the right words to help console me made me feel so uneasy that I had to resort to faking a smile or a chuckle in order to ease their apparent anxiety. This is not the kind of laugh or smile that the bereaved has to worry about.
The smile or laugh that triggers guilt is the kind that is generated from the feeling of true joy. It is the hearty smile or laugh that happens as a result of hearing the funniest joke from your favorite comedian or receiving long-awaited positive feedback on a very important endeavor. Sooner or later, the bereaved starts to experience moments of joy and should feel no guilt in being able to break away from the sadness that loss threw upon them.
It is important to note that one person’s journey to healing from grief after a loss as big as death cannot be compared to another’s. Whichever path the journey takes one, let us remember to be gentle with self.
Here’s to the loving memories of our dearly departed????
With love, Phoenix
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